please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
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You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
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So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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