I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
