The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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