this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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