im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
