Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
