You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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