New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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