I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
