you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
