I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Randomize
