I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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