Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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