All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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