You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
