im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
