you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
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