grandma shit on top of the toilet
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
