What a fucking waste of an outfit
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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