I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
