i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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