I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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