when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
