The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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