Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
