I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
