If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We just shotgunned beers for America
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
