The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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