You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
cat food counts as protein by the way
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
