Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
