ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
