i think i have two assholes
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
