Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
