If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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