Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
it glows. i had to have it.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
