The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
