I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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