It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
