smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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