Your mouth is God's brothel.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
