i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
