i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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