I'm pants shitting drunk right now
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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