I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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