I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
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