My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
