We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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