Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
