Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
