i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
