we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
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