i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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