I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
