If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
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Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize