bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize