I'm lost and stupid without you.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
