Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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