I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
