Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
