Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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