how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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