last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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