People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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