So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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